Healing
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: It's difficult to mend and heal fresh wounds, especially when they seem to only get deeper.
1. Chapter 1

Ever since they had brought Toki back home he had been different, it had been expected. It would have been eerier if he had pretended like nothing was changed, everything had changed. Both him and Abigail spent nearly a month in the hospital wing of Mordhaus recovering; until they had gotten home they hadn't realized just how close to death their friends really were. Nathan spent a lot of time down in the hospital visiting Abigail, talking to her and mostly apologizing and trying to make out where the two of them stood. Skwisgaar had felt a sense of foreboding at the way the singer was slowly placing himself back by her side, but it seemed different this time. He eventually asked Pickles about the situation, if he was alright with the possibility of the two of them dating; the drummer had coolly responded that he didn't care about it that much anymore. It bothered him a little bit, but nothing like before; he was just grateful that nobody had died. Skwisgaar felt about the same way; he was amazed they had all made it out of that alive, he wasn't entirely sure how the Hell they made it out alive.

He himself had a difficult time going back to normal or finding a new sense of normality. At first it was because he wasn't sure if he should visit Toki or not down in the hospital ward, he wasn't sure he could see his friend like that anymore. He couldn't shake the still fresh memory of feeling his ribs beneath his skin; he'd lost so much weight. He had barely weighed a fucking thing when Skwisgaar had been holding him up, mentally he hadn't been all that present either. The lead guitarist noticed when he did finally visit him how much was off and how much it bothered him. Even if the hospital ward was just another part of their overly large home it didn't make it feel any less clinical or foreboding. He hated the smell of bleach, the sounds of beeping machines, and doctors talking about people like they were objects more than living beings with feelings and families. He didn't like hearing his friend being talked about in terms of the things wrong with him, being told his friend was hours away from death like it wasn't a big deal. Then again to a doctor it wasn't a big deal, people died all the time; they had to distance themselves away from caring about it to get through their jobs...Sort of like how they all distanced themselves from Toki and Abigail when they had thought they were dead, to make it hurt less. He felt a spike of guilt thinking on it. The guilt came down harder when he did visit his friend; seeing him in a brightly lit room compared to seeing him in a barely lit waste land of a basement were two very different things. At least in the darkness he couldn't see just how physically damaged he was, but here he could see it and it made him feel physically ill.

The youngest member of their group was under weight, his eyes slightly sunken back in his head and circled with bruises. His left eye was bloodied and according to the doctor it looked like he would be partially to maybe even completely blind from now on in that eye; going so long without proper food and medication along with his face being shoved against the ground and rocks and glass piercing into his eye had injured it badly. His face had cuts and bruises along it, circular cuts around his neck from a collar he'd been forced to wear, more cuts and gashes along his torso and arms, and his hair had been so tangled that they had to cut it until it was just past his shoulders. Apparently he hadn't been too happy with having to have his hair cut or touched in anyway, they didn't know why since he wouldn't say much. For the most part he didn't say much when Skwisgaar went to see him; he had looked at him when he had entered the room, but quickly glanced away like he was scared. Skwisgaar felt stupid for going down there, he didn't know what it was that he wanted to say or how he should act. He just sat there awkwardly feeling sick and horribly guilty every time he looked at his friend. In his mind he screamed at himself to just apologize, it was the right thing to do. He had nearly died, because they spent a year doing nothing but getting wasted and pretending he wasn't part of their lives, and none of it would have happened if he'd just spent more time with him.

No matter how much he said he was sorry in his mind he couldn't get it to come out, he just choked on the words. It wasn't like he was incapable of saying it, not like Nathan at all, but he couldn't do it. He felt it, he felt sorry with every fiber of his very being, but he couldn't say all of the things building up inside of his mind. Things he'd thought over late at night when his friend had still been missing. Things he wished he had told him or done with him; he had a lot he wanted to say, but none of it would come out. He couldn't even fake a simple awkward conversation. Not like it mattered anyway, Toki wasn't talking; he stared off mostly and reacted little to things around him. Loud sounds made him flinch or just freak out in general, Skwisgaar only went to see him maybe two other times after the first. He never could get himself to apologize or explain himself, explain what selfish assholes they were and tell him how he deserved much better friends than what he was stuck with. He never got himself to say any of it.

By the time Toki was allowed to go back to living like normal, as normal as one could get anyway he spent another month by himself. He spent most of his time locked up in his bedroom only coming out after the others were asleep so that he could eat. Skwisgaar had a faint paranoia that he knew about how and why it had taken so long for them to get to them.

"Dude ya think he knows?" Pickles asked as they sat around the table in their kitchen drinking.

"How, guy never fucking leaves his room." Nathan responded

"Uh internet, kid's got a fucking laptop. Seriously though, he could be pissed at us."

Skwisgaar plucked nervously at the strings of his guitar, his fingers worked faster as he grew more anxious. They wouldn't be having this conversation if they had just gone looking for their friends in the first place instead of being placated by Ofdensen saying that he would look for the two of them. He had said it would be fine, the man practically ran his own army how could they know it would be that difficult?

"We wouldn't have this problem if we just went after them in the first place." Skwisgaar spoke up, he had been quiet for the past hour.

The others had forgotten he was even in the room.

"Yeah we know that Skwisgaar, but Ofdensen said he had it under control." Nathan shot back glaring at the blond.

"Does Abigail know?" The guitarist asked.

Nathan looked down, "Uh yeah I told her after the first week we got back. I figured better to just admit we're fucking assholes than for her to find out another way y'know?" He answered shrugging

The Swedish musician wanted to ask how she had handled the news, but he could tell Nathan didn't exactly want to talk about that anymore. As far as he could tell if she was angry she was getting through it or was through it and they were mostly forgiven. He was slightly amazed by how well her and Nathan's relationship had developed after what had happened. He'd had the feeling that under different circumstances with less tension she possibly would have dated the black haired vocalist anyways.

"Maybe we should have told Toki too?" Pickles brought up

"Why, he was so fucking out of it for almost a month...I don't think he would have fucking understood if we had told him."

Skwisgaar had to agree. It felt like another lame excuse, but they didn't know how much the Norwegian really did retain through that first month. He'd been so out of it, it wasn't anything he really needed to hear so soon after what he had been through. Now that it was over it just seemed wrong that they still hadn't told him and the worry he'd find out through the internet or the TV was strong.

"One of us could go talk to him, see if he knows." Pickles suggested, he looked around the table to see if anybody would volunteer to go.

Murderface was the first to get up and leave the room to avoid being picked, not that anybody would have chosen him in the first place.

"I'll go tell him or explain to him, depends on what he knows."

Skwisgaar could see the relief amongst his other two friends when he offered to be the one to go and talk to their rhythm guitarist. He mildly expected, wanted for one of them to offer and come along with him to make it maybe slightly easier, but they didn't. They went into a conversation about drum tracking after wishing him good luck with what he was willing to go and do.

He decided to leave his guitar in his own room before he went to talk to his friend, he needed to learn to not rely on it so heavily. He knew this was going to be hard, very hard; this was going to be difficult on a level that made him want to run back and grab his guitar half way to Toki's room.

He spent a good four minutes just standing outside of the younger man's room wondering what he was even going to say to him or ask him. He had no discreet way to ask and see if he knew about how long it had been, as far as they knew Toki could know literally nothing about how long it had taken. If he did know how long then that didn't mean he knew why it took so long, there was always that hope. He wasn't sure he could live with himself lying like that, letting his closest friend think that they had spent that entire year trying to find him and make sure he was still alive. If Skwisgaar had been braver, smarter, and less selfish then maybe he would have, but by himself he would have been useless with something like that. It had been something all four of them needed to do, not just one or two of them.

Skwisgaar tapped his fingers nervously against his thigh, he wished he had his guitar with him.

He tried to convince himself that he could do this, if it got bad he could just break down crying and apologize until his voice went raw. It would be the ultimate low for himself, but he was willing to do that, he felt like shit.

After another minute's worth of over thinking and building anxiety he managed to open the door, he was sort of surprised that it wasn't locked for once. He found the younger musician seated on his bed with his guitar playing it for the first time since he had been about seventeen years old. There had been a period there where he would play when he got depressed or anxious, but it had ended rather quickly; Skwisgaar's occasional complaints about his skills had never helped.

Toki didn't look up when the older man entered the room, he paused for barely a second in his playing when Skwisgaar closed the door behind himself. He had to silently admit to himself that Toki's playing sounded rather good. It had never sounded terrible, there were times he sounded worse than a beginner, but it was mostly due to nerves more than anything. When he actually wanted to play then he could play close to the same skill level as the lead guitarist. Watching him play like this reminded him of when he had been sixteen; the length of his still growing hair, the look of concentration on his face and the way he bit at his bottom lip reminded Skwisgaar of the teen they had taken into their shit apartment. The one who acted more like a house keeper and cook for the better part of the first several months than a guitarist. Skwisgaar momentarily forgot why he was in his friend's bedroom, he sat down on the chair next to the desk and watched him play.

"Why are you in here?" Toki asked just barely looking up from his guitar.

Skwisgaar was jolted back into reality by the sound of his voice, it was soft but had a command to it almost like the older man's presence was annoying to him.

"Oh right. I was just wondering...How are you doing?" He asked lamely his words coming out awkwardly.

Toki stopped playing long enough to comb his fingers back through his shaggy brown hair pushing it away from his face. He met Skwisgaar's eyes for a moment in that process giving the blond a good look at his faded left eye, another hit of guilt bringing his anxiety back all over again. Skwisgaar was the first to look away. Toki began playing again, the song was slower and the other man could hear the sadness and frustration in whatever it was he was playing.

"I'm okay I guess" He answered

Skwisgaar bit at his lower lip pulling and tugging until he felt the skin break.

"Um I was...Have you perhaps seen the news or anything on the internet since you got back?" He inwardly cursed himself at the slight feminine pitch his voice took on and the way his question came out obvious and uneasy.

He tensed when Toki stopped playing and gently lay his guitar down on his bed. He didn't look at Skwisgaar, he sat with his back straight and stared down at the floor.

"That's interesting, I didn't think you would bring it up. I guess nobody else wanted to talk to me about it?" He asked his voice was still soft, but there was something deceiving and dark to it.

Skwisgaar noticed him smiling slightly, there was something cold about it that made him feel nervous.

"I wanted to come talk to you about it." He offered his own voice coming out weak.

He wanted to at least fake calmness, pretend this was no big deal and that to treat it other wise would be ridiculous, but this was big.

"Right. To answer you, yeah I saw online about it. A lot and then the TV, I learned a lot."

He met the older man's eyes glaring at him, the coldness and hurt Skwisgaar found there made him feel like he could start crying and throw himself at his friend's feet begging for him to forgive him or at least to not hate him. He thought about the last time Toki had been this pissed at him, how lonely he had felt having his friend want nothing to do with him.

"I wanted to tell you, I really did" Skwisgaar said wanting to explain himself as much as he could.

"Why didn't you, you had a whole month to tell me."

"You were still in the hospital, I didn't think it was something you needed. I'm telling you now, why does it matter?"

He regretted the comment the second he saw the switch go off in his friend's eyes from cold hurt to borderline rage.

"Why does it matter, I nearly died. You fucking left us there, a year...I spent a year in that place going through pure Hell and the whole time I believed you were coming to save me that you spent all that time looking for us. Then you came and when I finally go online and when I turn on the TV I find out that no you weren't looking. You were getting drunk and stoned and screwing every slut you could find." The younger man got up from his bed, he moved to where Skwisgaar sat.

He towered over him, Skwisgaar was too ashamed and scared to say anything or to make a move to stand up.

"Do you eve know what happened to me?"

Skwisgaar didn't respond.

"I was treated like a dog; I was kept chained up like a fucking dog, when I got fed it wasn't even real food. He fed us the remains of the revengencers that got killed and that's if we were lucky. He kicked me and cut me, I haven't been through hell like that since I was little. What were you doing while I went through that? Smoking meth and acting like I don't even fucking matter."

"I'm sorry" Skwisgaar whispered

He couldn't bring himself to look him in the eye. He was so ashamed of himself, it didn't have to be this way. None of that had to happen, so many things did not have to happen, but they had and it was their fault that it went this way.

Toki grabbed him by the front of his shirt hauling him to his feet, Skwisgaar expected to be punched or completely ripped to shreds.

"Get out of my fucking sight"

He shoved him away, the blond haired musician stumbled and nearly fell on his face, but grabbed hold of the corner of the desk catching himself. He hung his head and left the room closing the door behind him. As he walked away he heard the sound of yelling along with the sound of breaking glass.


	2. Chapter 2

"So is he just pissed off at you or all of us?" Pickles asked after a long drawn out silence.

Nearly two weeks had passed with Toki refusing to talk to anybody, but mostly Skwisgaar. He seemed to be obviously hurt by what they had done to him, but mostly was taking it out on the Swedish guitarist.

"I don't fucking know, he's being a dick." He shot back, annoyed

He didn't feel like discussing this. He was still amazed Toki hadn't hit him, he would have deserved it; he had hoped the younger musician would have beaten the hell out of him. What they had done was nearly as cruel as what Magnus had done to him; Skwisgaar knew what being neglected, forgotten, and abandoned felt like...So why had he allowed it to happen to somebody he cared so dearly about?

"Right, so just you. That's good."

Skwisgaar continued to play his guitar irritated by his friend's questions.

He had been the one to go and tell him the truth, nobody else wanted to go. They practically picked straws to see who they would force to go.

"I'm glad if he's pissed at Skwisgaar and not us, because I don't want that crazy little fucker sneaking into my room sometime and killing me." Murderface commented shortly after the silence had returned to their group.

"Dude nobody wants to be in your room."

"Fuck you"

"He isn't crazy, he's just really messed up right now." Skwisgaar added scolding the bassist.

"Yeah, you always fucking say that. You fucking push the kid around all the time then fucking go and defend him like you give a shit all the time. What's with that shit?"

Skwisgaar's fingers moved more quickly. He didn't know exactly; he'd been protective over him when he was sixteen. It hadn't lasted too long per say; it had only taken four months into making millions off of record sales alone that he had lost interest in their new guitarist. It had gotten to the point he started pawning him off on Nathan any night that he could just so he could go drink and get laid. By the time Toki was eighteen he started getting irritated by Skwisgaar's new attitude and the way he talked to him like he was less than whatever God status the media had put him at. That had lasted too long for his liking, he got the kid being pissed off at him but by the end of the year it hurt some to have one of his closer friends so openly hate him. Now by twenty-two he was back to hating him, though far less vocal about it.

"There's nothing up with it. Not my fault he takes everything I say to him seriously, he's such a fucking brat about everything."

"Dude Murderface is right you're a fucking bitch, like you guys were really close when he joined the band. Then you turned into a total asshole." Pickles noted

"Nothing changed, just fucking stay out of it."

"Maybe he'll just end up killing Skwisgaar instead since it's his fault."

The blond stopped playing completely.

"It isn't my fucking fault, this isn't my fault more than your fucking fault...Fuck this I'm going to go to the recording studio."

He got up from the couch and stormed out before any of the others could start making fun of him for acting like a girl and a complete queen.

At least in the quiet of the studio he was away from his best friend giving him dirty looks like he wanted to kill him and he could be away from his other friends making fun of him. He knew his friends just wanted a fight, they didn't want to see it end with death, but they wouldn't mind seeing their rhythm guitarist beat their lead guitarist. It wouldn't be the first time that Toki would have beaten him up, normally it was because of something Skwisgaar did or said to push him over that line. It usually ended with the younger musician's temper fading or with Nathan pulling the flailing and fuming guitarist off of Skwisgaar. He couldn't honestly think of a time where he'd really fought back; anytime he had ever hit or generally just slapped the younger man it wasn't anything to even consider a hit, laughable really. He couldn't bring himself to hit him, maybe the age difference or something more personal. The others always mocked him for just letting a teenager beat on him like that, he never could tell them why it was that way.

Two and a half hours into playing he realized he had very little on the side of ideas. Everything that he did sounded like what they had done in the past or sounded like something the others would never use in a million years. He glared down at his beloved instrument nearly blaming it for his lack of concentration. He kept thinking about Toki and wondering just how long it would last this time. Considering the circumstances of their latest feud he imagined it could last a whole fucking lifetime or two and according to the church they had that long. He felt he deserved some slack with this. He had been the one to come clean and tell him, he was sorry, and Ofdensen had said he would look. When that hadn't succeeded they quickly started to think the worst which ended with binging on drugs and alcohol, nobody wanted to think their closest friends were dead. Skwisgaar didn't deal with guilt, he didn't handle bad things happening to the people that he cared about that well either. There were many things that he didn't do well, but nobody paid enough attention to notice; he had money, he was pretty, and he was talented. Nobody noticed just how socially awkward, sometimes not that quick witted, and how weirdly emotional he was. His friends managed to take enough note of it, they rarely picked on him for it.

His phone ringing pulled him from his over thinking and his musical frustration. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered without checking to see who it was.

"What is it?"

"H-hey Skwisgaar" Toki slurred on the other end

The blond haired man sat up straighter.

"Could you um...Right, right could you come pick me up?"

"Are you drunk?" He asked not accusing, though he got uneasy when his friend got drunk when there was something wrong.

It never ended well, it never started on good terms; at least he was calling him to pick him up.

"Yeah, maybe"

"Are you alone?"

"Yeah, Rockso was with me but then he ditched. He told me to call you to pick me up cause he didn't want me by myself."

Skwisgaar was surprised the junkie had that much consideration, if he really cared then he wouldn't have left Toki by himself at all.

"Great...Where are you at?"

He listened as the younger very inebriated man tried to figure out where he was exactly, six minutes later Skwisgaar got a good idea of where he was at and was happy to find out it wasn't exactly that far away.

"I'll be there soon, just stay there. Don't fucking move, okay?"

"Yeah whatever" The younger man replied before ending the call.

Skwisgaar looked at the time noticing it was nearly two in the morning.

He didn't bother telling the others that he was going out, he didn't see them in the living room which meant they wouldn't have the chance to question to where he was going. He also didn't bother telling Pickles he was going to borrow one of his sports cars.

At least this late at night there weren't all that many people, nobody hung around outside that much after midnight anymore. It seemed like the later it got the more violent things became for people who did decide to hang around the streets. Skwisgaar remembered when he had left Sweden that he realized things in the world were horribly violent; he had spent several months in his late teen years living on the streets then couch surfing until he had met Nathan and Pickles. At first he'd just wanted to crash on the couch in their apartment, but ended up joining their band when they had heard him play guitar a time or two.

It didn't take long to find his friend, he sat on the side of the road watching the streets waiting to be picked up. Skwisgaar pulled up alongside the curb; under the street lights he got a better look at the condition of his friend. His shoulder length hair was tangled and wet from who knew what, his right cheek was bruised, he had apparently lost his shirt at some point in the night and his chest and upper arms were coated with bruises and cuts. He clumsily climbed to his feet and went around to the passenger side of the car climbing in and slamming the door behind him.

"What happened to your shirt?" Skwisgaar asked once he started driving.

"I lost it, can't remember where"

"What the hell happened anyway, you look like fucking hell."

Skwisgaar took his eyes off of the road long enough to glance at his friend. Toki leaned his head back against the head rest and stared towards the road then looked towards Skwisgaar. His eyes mostly looked blood shot and glassy, from the looks of it he was probably stoned as well.

"We went drinking then we got kicked out, because this guy was being an asshole so I punched him. Then we got into a fight and the owner threw us out. So then we went somewhere else and...I dont' remember, I might have gotten into another fight...Isn't this Pickles car?"

"Yeah, I'm borrowing it"

"Does he know?"

"Fuck no, he owes me anyway."

If he could make it back to Mordhaus without wrecking or hitting anything then the drummer never had to know that he borrowed the car.

"What are you on anyway?" Skwisgaar asked wanting to try to get a better grasp onto how much puke he would be cleaning later on in the morning.

"Uh well I...Oh yeah cocaine" He said smiling to himself proud that he could remember that much.

"I thought you fucking hated that shit"

"Yeah I thought so too" He replied before breaking down giggling.

Skwisgaar was happy Rockso hadn't hung around, he was pretty sure he would have kicked his ass. Why would he even take Toki out and get him wasted like that, bad enough he used to do that shit with him all the time. It always ended with the youngest of their group coming back home looking like he'd been beaten up and thrown into a dumpster. This time was definitely no different.

"Great now I gotta fucking clean up after you all night...Morning, never mind it's fucking morning." He muttered mostly to himself.

A hand on his thigh caught his attention making him jerk.

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know...Thanks for coming and getting me"

"Yeah sure, not like I was going to fucking leave you on the side of the street."

"Wouldn't be the first time"

He didn't say it with malice or to be mean, but the comment made Skwisgaar feel like shit. He tried to ignore the younger man's hand on his leg and focus on his driving. Just three more minutes then he could dump him off onto his bed, make sure he didn't choke on his own vomit after he passed out and then he could go to his own room where he could bathe and forget this night happened. While he was at it he could wash away the past year or two, not a great running so far.

He had hoped by the time they got home and parked that Toki would be passed out and he'd just have to carry him inside and dump his ass off, but he was definitely awake and looking over the older musician in a way that Skwisgaar was very familiar with...Just not so much with his friend.

"You really need to stop doing this crap to yourself, it's not good for you." Skwisgaar lectured as they entered the house.

"It makes me feel better, I think less."

"That's not a good thing Toki"

"It's what you guys do" He pointed out

"That doesn't mean you need to go do it, getting yourself into fights doesn't make it any better. You're going to end up getting seriously fucking hurt."

He realized how bad that last part sounded after he said it, he hung his head feeling ashamed. Toki was too wasted to catch onto it, Skwisgaar figured he was too out of it to even know that he spent a year of his life in a make shift dungeon. At least while he was drunk and stoned he was willing to talk to him again, by morning he'd go back to the silent treatment or blunt rudeness.

When they entered Toki's room Skwisgaar figured he was a step closer to ending his night. The two of them stood there, he noticed his friend seemed a bit less fucked up than he had been before.

"Thanks, I appreciate it you know."

"Yeah...Are you still pissed at me about what happened?"

Might as well ask while he was willing to talk.

The younger man stared at him like he was trying to think it over and figure it out for himself.

"I...Yeah, but it's weird. I missed you a lot."

"I missed you too"

He had missed the hell out of him, he was sorry, and he didn't want them to go back to where they were with Toki hating him. They had worked hard to get to a place where they were close again, where they fought little to none. He didn't like resetting, not after spending months thinking he could possibly be dead.

"I should...I should go to my room, play guitar..." He began to walk away, but Toki grabbed hold of his wrist pulling him back nearly knocking him off balance.

Skwisgaar placed his hand on the younger man's shoulder to keep himself balanced. His fingers brushed over a bruised patch of skin, he thought he could see a scar beneath it and wondered if it was from when he'd been a child or from what Magnus had done to him.

"Skwis, I really want you to stay"

Toki was looking up at him a pleading look in his light eyes. Skwisgaar felt that weird aching in his chest and wasn't sure if it was the one caused by guilt or the one he felt the first time he realized his friend was incredibly attractive albeit mildly annoying.

"Toki I..."

Staying wouldn't hurt, holding him wouldn't hurt.

Chapped lips pressed against his though, that was different. Skwisgaar let out a surprised groan when Toki kissed him, he was too shocked by the action to respond right away; he didn't come back to his senses until a tongue ran over his bottom lip and he got a taste of liquor from the inside of the younger man's mouth. Toki placed a hand on the back of his neck trying to pull Skwisgaar down more so he could comfortably kiss him, their difference in height was enough to make this awkward. The blond haired man complied, his hands found their way to the other man's hips his thumbs trailing over bare flesh. Toki sat down on the bed pulling Skwisgaar down on top of him. Skwisgaar's right hand found it's way to the back of his head, fingers tangling in wet brown locks that he gave a light tug reminding himself to be careful with hair pulling. Toki moaned into the kiss, his hands went from Skwisgaar's shoulder blades down his back and landing on his ass pulling him as flush against his body as he could get him in their position. Skwisgaar's mind was reeling; this he had wanted this, he had wanted this since the second he stopped seeing his friend at a kid and more so as an adult, as somebody he genuinely wanted to be around and got along with. When a hand moved around to his front palming at his erection through his jeans was when he caught up with the situation at hand. Skwisgaar placed his hands against the younger man's chest pushing him away. He got to his feet and ran a hand back through his messed blond hair. Toki stared up at him looking mildly panicked like he was thinking over what he'd done wrong and what he could do to get Skwisgaar back in his bed.

"I can't do this Toki"

"Why"

"It's...It's not right, you're...I can't do that with you, it isn't right."

His look of hurt turned to anger and frustration.

"Fine, I don't know why the fuck I thought you would want me anyway."

"Toki..."

"Fuck off" He snapped at him.

Skwisgaar stood there awkwardly, Toki crawled further up onto his bed lying on his side with his legs pulled up against himself and arms folded across his chest.

He thought about what he could say, but he came up blank. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't bring himself to do that. He shouldn't have done as much as they had done; even if it was just kissing he knew if Toki changed his mind completely by the time he was sober then he'd have another reason to hate him. Skwisgaar decided on keeping his mouth shut. He quietly left the room closing the door behind him and going to his own room.

He lay in bed staring up at his ceiling replaying what had happened in his head a time or two. When they had thought Toki might be dead he used to imagine what it would have been like if he had known how to flirt the right way, if Toki was less naive, and if he had caught onto the fact Skwisgaar wanted to have sex with him. He knew if it ever did happen it would make things weirder between them, but he wasn't sure he wanted it to begin and end with just a hook up or two. Now that he finally got a taste of what he spent months thinking over he couldn't go through with it. He didn't know what the hell possessed Toki to kiss him, to ask him to stay with him; it had to just be the drugs and the alcohol, if he was sober he wouldn't have wanted Skwisgaar. He could do a fuck ton better in that department and the friend department as well.

He wondered how much worse things would be tomorrow because of this.


	3. Chapter 3

Skwisgaar hadn't been entirely sure what would happen after what had occurred between the two of them the night before. He hadn't been overly surprised to not see Toki at all the following day, he'd been less surprised to see him rarely for the next week. When they did accidentally run into each other neither of them could look at one another, they would awkwardly look away. Skwisgaar wondered if he regretted it he'd just seemed so lonely and very wasted, that's why he had acted that way. He hadn't actually wanted to have sex with him, he'd just been lonely and needed a reason to get him to stay. Anyone who knew a single thing about Skwisgaar knew that sex was the greatest way to keep his attention. He wasn't sure if that made him feel used or shallow. He knew he should talk to him about what happened, but there wasn't much more he could say. He could just repeat a few more times about how it had been a mistake, he remembered how well that had gone over when Toki had been drunk. He could go another route; tell him that he wanted to have sex with him, but he didn't want to use him. It was hard to tell if this was just an act of somebody painfully lonely and going through traumatic hell or if his friend really did have any real interest in him. Skwisgaar always wondered, not a lot; he knew if he spent too much time thinking over it then he'd drive himself crazy. Now that they had made out he was thinking about it despite how much he didn't want to.

After an unsuccessful hour in the studio working on guitar tracks and two shots of whiskey later he decided things couldn't exactly get worse if he talked to him. Things appeared to be at the rock bottom of bad, it wasn't the first time things between them had been this low. Just now they seemed to be there in a more complicated sense. He still didn't have a clue what he could say to him. He would either say something that would make him come off as awkward and mildly creepy which was how his attempts of flirting with the younger guitarist always left him feeling or he would sound like more of a total asshole. It could only lead to more months of Toki not wanting to talk to him, maybe even leave the band if things got so tense that they couldn't work together. So far they couldn't even be in the studio together. Pickles would have to go and tell the rhythm guitarist when Skwisgaar was through with his parts so that he could come in and do his own.

He stood awkwardly outside of Toki's room staring at the door. He weighed in his mind if this was as bad or worse than when he went to tell him they had pretended he didn't exist for nearly a year. He nearly considered knocking until he realized that nobody in their group of friends had the common courtesy to do that. Skwisgaar opened the door and walked into the room; like last time he found the younger musician sitting on the edge of his bed playing his guitar. He felt bad for interrupting, he seemed less anxious, angry, and over all depressed when he was playing. Skwisgaar figured he would have done this more all along if he had never started giving him shit about his guitar playing.

"Um Toki?"

The brown haired man ceased in his guitar playing and looked up at Skwisgaar. He didn't seem to be angry, not yet anyways.

"What?"

"I think we should talk about...About that what happened the other night."

Toki placed his guitar down on the floor, he returned his attention to Skwisgaar though he found it hard to meet the taller man's eyes. Skwisgaar was pretty sure he felt about as awkward and embarrassed about this as he did. That could be a good sign, even if it meant him saying it was a stupid thing to do and would never happen again. He could live with that though.

"Yeah I wanted to talk about it before, but it's sort of really fucking embarrassing...I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you. I also shouldn't have made you come and pick my stupid ass up either."

"I"m glad you called, I don't need you out getting hurt or whatever."

The other man smiled slightly.

"How mad are you that I tried to make out with you?"

"I'm not mad, at all...I just..."

He trailed off trying to figure out if he could end his sentence with anything that wouldn't sound nearly needy. His mind came up completely blank; he looked away when Toki looked back up at him raising an eyebrow in question.

"It just wasn't the right thing to do, like you said. I'm sorry I got mad at you about it, God that would have been really bad if we'd had sex."

"Yeah that...That wouldn't have been good. I don't want to have sex with you like that."

He felt Toki staring at him, he eventually forced himself to meet his eyes. They looked at each other for a moment or more, the younger man got up off of the bed and approached Skwisgaar. He could feel his heart beat quicker when the other man was close enough for him to touch, he wanted to grab him and pull him against him; he wanted to apologize for spending all their time being a total dick, he wanted to kiss him and touch every inch of his body...

"I'm completely sober right now"

Skwisgaar knew something about this still wouldn't be right, but his mind was coming up with even more blanks than it had been before.

"You sure you want to?" Skwisgaar asked uncertainly

Toki placed a hand on his upper right arm giving it a gentle squeeze, the look in his eyes was somewhere between lust and some odd longing he wasn't sure just came from all the things that had been happening to him lately.

"I'm sure, I want you Skwisgaar"

He'd wanted to hear that in several different variations for a long time now, he'd even fantasized about it repeatedly in the year his friend had been gone. Actually hearing it seemed like something that never would have happened. Back when they had been on the fence about their friendship or if they could even be in a room together and then the year he spent praying to Gods he didn't believe in anymore that his friend wasn't dead. He didn't realize how badly he'd really wanted to hear that.

Skwisgaar leaned down kissing him, he placed a hand on the back of his head fingers curling in his hair. Toki met the passionate movement of his lips with a passion of his own, sharp teeth nipping at his lip followed by a tongue finding its way into his mouth caressing his own. Skwisgaar's free hand traveled up underneath the back of the shorter man's shirt feeling over scars and wounds close to healing. He pulled Toki's body against his own needing him as close as possible. Skwisgaar trailed kisses along his jawline and down along his throat, his excitement grew with every whimper and moan that he was met with. He managed to break away long enough to remove his shirt and to guide the younger musician over to the bed pushing him back onto it. He straddled Toki's hips, he dipped his head down kissing along his collar bones, over his chest and down his stomach. He didn't dwell too long on the fading cuts and bruises, fingers pulling at his hair encouraged him to go down lower. He looked up at his friend meeting his lust filled eyes, he chewed on his lower lip as he stared down at Skwisgaar. The older man couldn't help but smirk. He pulled back enough so he could unfasten his jeans pulling them and his boxer briefs down enough to allow him full access to his hardened cock. He wrapped talented fingers around his length giving it a couple slow strokes, Toki moaned arching his back off of the bed his hips giving small shallow thrusts into the older man's fist. Skwisgaar placed his other hand on his hip pushing him back down against the bed; he rubbed circles on his scarred flesh with his thumb. Skwisgaar leaned back down wrapping his lips around the head of his cock sucking slowly, his tongue swiped back and forth over the tip earning more moans and another attempted thrust into his mouth. Skwisgaar pulled off of him.

"Patience" He whispered hotly against his skin, a groan was his only reply.

He kissed up along the length of his dick stopping at the tip, he ran the tip of his tongue across his slit; he kept his eyes on the younger man's face as he slowly took him into his mouth as much as he could. His brown hair hung over his face concealing his blinded eye, lips parted and his chest rose and fell with each breath he took as he watched the blond haired man's every movement. Skwisgaar loved nothing more than to have his partners pay full attention to him.

Skwisgaar moved up his length then back down again his tongue running up along the underside of his cock each time he went back up, he went up until only the head was in his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the head of the other man's cock before taking all of him in again, he closed his eyes enjoying the feeling of fingers knotted in his hair, the salty taste of pre-cum on his tongue, and the sounds of his best friend's desperate moans as he begged him to fuck him.

The blond haired man pulled away completely, he sat back on his knees looking down at him. Toki sat up, he placed a hand on the back of Skwisgaar's neck pulling him down and kissing him hard. He pulled the older man down on top of him, his hand found its way between them groping and rubbing at Skwisgaar's own erection through the material of his jeans.

"What do you want little Tokis?" Skwisgaar whispered against his ear.

"Fuck me, please"

"Gods you have no idea how long I've wanted to hear that."

The older man found himself removing his jeans then searching for a bottle of lube while Toki kicked his pants off the rest of the way. He settled back down between the other man's legs; he pushed them further apart giving himself better access. Skwisgaar coated his fingers with lube, he slowly eased his index finger inside of the younger man's body. He leaned down kissing along his lower stomach, the tips of his hair brushing against his skin sending shivers down his spine. Toki watched the older man, his mismatched eyes fascinated by him and the way he was making his body feel. He brushed his fingers through Skwisgaar's golden locks of hair pushing them out of his face.

"I missed you" He whispered

Skwisgaar pressed a kiss against his hip, "I missed you too"

There was something so familiar about the way that the older man touched him, the way he made him unwind and come apart for him. The moment he felt Skwisgaar enter him he realized he hadn't felt pleasure or comfort for well over a year, possibly longer. He wrapped his legs around the older man's back pulling him in deeper until he was completely inside of him. Skwisgaar buried his face against the crook of his neck his breathing heavy, moans and curses slipping from between full lips. Toki's worn down fingernails dug into his shoulders, he moaned when Skwisgaar pulled almost completely out then slowly pushed back in. The rhythm was slow and gentle to the point it frustrated him, but he'd take anything that meant this would last longer. Skwisgaar moved at a faster pace when he was sure he wouldnt' hurt the man beneath him, the way Toki ground down against his cock assured him he didn't mind if he picked up the pace. When the younger man's moans grew to the point of cries and shouts of his name Skwisgaar kissed him to try and ensure that their friends couldn't hear them and what they were doing. He broke away from the kiss panting, his fingers caressed his cheek pushing hair away from his face.

"Don't really want to explain you screaming 'oh god harder Skwisgaar' to the others today." Skwisgaar whispered earning an embarrassed look from his friend.

"Sorry"

Skwisgaar smiled, he went back to kissing along his neck and chest, his free hand stroking his cock bringing him closer to his climax. Toki thrust into his hand needing that release just as badly as Skwisgaar needed his own. It didn't take much longer for the younger man to cum into his hand and onto his own stomach. The tightening of his muscles around Skwisgaar's cock brought him to his own finish with another thrust of his hips spilling deep inside of his friend. After a moment he slowly pulled out and lay down next to him on the twin sized bed, Toki rolled onto his side so he could rest his head on his chest. Skwisgaar wrapped an arm around him holding him against his side, he kissed the top of his head.

"Toki?"

"What is it Skwis?"

"I um...Everything that happened between us before and...I'm sorry, I've been a really shit friend; really really shit friend. We should have looked for you sooner, I could have, but I was really scared. I didn't know if you would still be alive and if you weren't I didn't want to see that, whatever they would have done to you. I just didn't want to think about it, at all. I feel like a total asshole."

"If it had been any of you guys I would have been out looking for you either way." Toki responded.

"I know, I know...We just got scared, it seemed easier to go along with that. I thought about you a lot though, I really did. It drove me fucking crazy."

He thought about how he had said they shouldn't have even put him in the band in the first place. He figured his life would have turned out better if he'd had the chance at a normal life, he didn't deserve the bad things that happened to him. Skwisgaar just wanted to see him happy like he used to be, he was too young to feel even half the misery that the world had to offer.

"I thought about you too, thinking about you guys kind of kept me sort of sane...You guys did come for me and I know you care, I guess it just hurt to think that maybe Magnus was right."

He knew placing his anger and hurt towards his friends and the reasons why should be easier, but it felt more complicated than that. It felt complicated in the way that he wasn't as angry as he was before; they worried about him, they had come for him, and they were sorry about the way things had gone. He knew Skwisgaar was scared he would cut off contact all together, he couldn't imagine doing that.

"I'm sorry"

"If it helps any I sort of forgive you." He kissed the older man's chest then looked up at him.

"I swear we'll be better to you." Skwisgaar promised

"Good...You're still kind of an asshole"

"Says the brat who can't handle his booze."

"Neither can you" Toki shot back

Skwisgaar grinned down at him. He had very much missed this.


End file.
